The Novro Claphanger Show !

Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for your host the one and only  Novro Claphanger.

Cue rapturous applause.

Thank you folks, thank you, thank you very much.

What a week eh, Kens forum sinks without trace and then resurfaces, rumour has it Carbo stepped on board and it sunk, when he floated off the ship, it resurfaced. Old Kenny boy never gives up eh. We heard from a woman that hadn’t been molested by Jimmy Savile and bonkers goes batshit.

Anyway let’s bring out our first guests tonight, please put your hands together for the bonkers brothers.

Audience starts to boo and hiss, shouts of get em off, get em off. Nigel starts to remove his duds, Sid whispers in Nigel’s ear and Nige pulls his jeans back up.

Welcome boys, let’s start with you Sid tell us about your diet. Cornflakes and toast for brekkie. Don’t you think that’s a bit carbie for a diabetic. No way it’s down  to portion size control, I’ve told those forum numbskulls a thousand times, it’s all about portion control. Ok Sid checking out the rest of your daily food intake it seems very low on calories and high on carbs. Well it works for me. Tell me Sid how many other diabetics do think it would work for ? All of em, those grease monkeys all eat too much, I’ve told them that a thousand times too. Sid I don’t want to appear hard or unsympathetic here, but you have stated you are pretty much disabled these days, and some days can’t even walk your dog. That implies you're not very active, and your calorie intake might suit you, but someone working hard or physically active, and not spending 24/7 in an armchair, it‘s a no no. Sid would you like to tell us about all the meds you take. NO, come on Sid don’t be bashful, one more comment about my meds and I’ll punch your lights out ! Ok Sid let’s talk to Nigel.

Welcome Nigel give us a bit of your back ground. Nige looks petrified and wishes he had stayed anonymous. Well it says here Nigel that you have been a diabetic for a long time and that years after diagnosis and insulin use you didn’t have a clue how to even store it, Nige looks sheepishly at his shoes. It also says it was a  lowcarber that put you straight, yes, Nige agrees and starts looking for the exit. Nige most of your posts seem to be a bit of a cop out, you are always saying see a healthcare professional, you're a big fan of dietitions, is that right ? Yes I am, why ? Look Novro what do these amateur do it yourself diabetics know about diet and proper diabetes control, they read a few books and think they know it all. These lowcarbers are scum and are costing big pharma a fortune. Well Nige I think these lowcarbers numbers speak for themselves,  don’t you think they are remarkable, NO, come on Nige they blow the NHS stats into the weeds. You said yourself that HCP’s advice on diet was absolute rubbish a few years ago and they were clueless. No I didn’t. Audience starts to chant O YES YOU DID, O YES YOU DID NIGE Ok I did say it, is that why you deleted most of the post three years later ? Yes. Why did you do that Nige ? Well I looked a complete pratt a total hypocrite ! So, what about these lowcarbers great numbers. They are all bullshiters and liars !

Sid has sat quietly through this, working his way through a 5lb tin of celebration chocolates. Coming back to you Sid what’s the future for you on the forum ? More of the same, I’ve turned rudeness, thread locking, post editing, and whingeing into an art form, I’m not stopping now. What do you think of AMBrennan Sid ? a true star in the making, he is so rude I am in awe of him, top geezer.

Tell me lads, there is one big question everyone wants to know the answer to, why when you were such ardent fans and supporters of Kenny boy did you not do anything to support and build his forum ? Many people must think, once your chief hit man had gone, you dumped him like four pound of condemned veal ! Nige looks perplexed Sid answers. It is a question of damage limitation, sorry Sid I’m not with you, look Novro we knew we could cause far more damage by concentrating our effort on diabetes.co.uk.

The team at lowcarb diabetic have described you two as a menace to the diabetic community, why don’t you call it a day ? One more word about those retards at the lowcarb diabetic and I’ll put you in a bleep hospital Novro, one more bleep word, they are bleep, total bleep bleep a bunch of bleep.

Ok folks I think we’ll end this one and go to a commercial break. A big hand for the bonkers brothers. The audience starts to pelt them with rotten fruit and security bundles the brothers out of a rear exit into a waiting ambulance. Sid desperately hanging on to the choccie tin.

See you after the break folks.

This is a great book. It took years of research, and is a masterpiece. Tells how we got to our present position of type two diabetes and obesity epidemics. As Einstein said, mans intelligence is limited, but his stupidity is infinite. Gary gives his opinions and appreciates he does not know all the answers. Most of the book is not Gary’s opinion, but draws on thousands of references to peer reviewed papers, interviews and accepted as fact, medical science. 

The Diet Delusion  by Gary Taubes ISBN-978-0-09-189141-1 

Welcome back folks, those guys certainly lived up to their reputation eh, jeez you can see why so many diabetics never get to a safe HbA1c number, it’s tragic. Those guys are weapons of mass destruction.

Ok time for my next guest, let’s have a big hand for Phoenix.

The audience stays completely silent, an ice cold draft washes over the studio, you could hear a pin drop.

Well Phoenix you certainly put the zap on our audience, what’s your secret ? Phoenix stares unblinkingly through Novros head to some distant place, refocuses, and smiles a thin smile. Novro looks frozen in time, as if an icy hand has been placed upon his throat. For the first time in his life he is afraid. A member of the audience screams and Novro is shocked out of his trance. He falls back on years of experience and regains his composure.

Welcome to the show Phoenix, to be honest I am amazed you showed up. Why is that Novro ? Well, the bonkers brothers are as thick as planks, but you are in a different league. Why thank yoooou Novro. Phoenix you are often described as some sort of Cruella De Vil, yet to others you are the thinking mans lowcarb anti crumpet, does that please you ? Yeeees.

Ok, you are known to use around 50% carbs in your diet, that works for you ? Purrrrrfect. But you have a good medical team, a pump, insulin and test strips. What about the folks who have none of these things ? What about them Novro ? Well, without the benefits you have, they stand no chance on your diet. Novro you miss the point, I don’t give a monkeys for these people, they brought it on themselves, they deserve all they get, they are plebs. Novro, my good friend and fellow pumper Jopar got it right when she said type two’s brought it on themselves, and take valuable funding and resources away from real diabetics.

Tell me phoenix why do you think so many diabetics following the standard NHS and DUK advice never get close to a safe place regarding HbA1c ? Because they are imbeciles Novro, all they need to do is buy Hope Warshaw’s books, get a pump, unlimited supplies of insulin and test strips and dump all that saturated fat. Hope got it right when she stated lowcarb is old dogma and drugs are the way forward ya. Don't ya just love Hope Novro.

Phoenix you are well know for posting links that cause confusion and fear amongst the newly diagnosed. No no Novro I’m just trying to create a balance. Well many don’t see it that way. I’ll give you an example. A thread is going well, everyone is posting very positive news, carbs reduced, BG’s improving, meds reduced, people are really optimistic and full of hope, then you post a doom and gloom and  ya all gonna die message. Oh Novie darling you really are so naive aren’t you, that’s how I get my kicks, where is the fun in helping people. Well, thanks for clearing that up, I’ve been wondering what made you tick for years.

Ok folks I think we’ll end this one and go to a commercial break. A big hand for Phoenix.The audience are stunned, a woman quietly sobs, some start crossing themselves and someone asks 'is there an exorcist in the house'.

See you after the break folks.

In this groundbreaking book, GP Malcolm Kendrick exposes the truth behind the hype, revealing: high cholesterol levels don't cause heart disease; a high-fat diet - saturated or otherwise - does not affect blood cholesterol levels; and, the protection provided by statins is so small as to be not worth bothering about for most men and all women. Statins have many more side affects than has been admitted and their advocates should be treated with scepticism due to their links with the drugs' manufacturers.

ISBN 978-1-84454-360-1

Welcome back folks. Sorry folks we have run out of time, but we will be bringing back Monty Beantipper next week and it should be quite a show. We will have Carbo the Great and the worlds greatest man hater Evelyn from the Carbsane asylum. Please give a big hand for the worlds best rock and roll band. Ladies and gentleman I give you The Rolling Stones playing their new single err................Doom and Gloom. See you next week my lowcarbing friends, be lucky ! Nov