Monday 9 January 2017
How to write a rant against low-carb
Your post should begin by explaining how much you don't intend to become embroiled in another argument about low-carb. You should state clearly how much respect you have toward anyone who low-carbs. You might like to close paragraph one with the phrase "each to his own", as this serves as a cue for the reader to prepare for the ensuing tirade by clenching their buttocks and assuming an appropriate crash position.
"However..." is always a great way to begin paragraph two. This is where your post turns and the kettle really gets whistling. You should make it clear not only where you'd like the low-carbers to go, but also what they should do when they get there. If possible, you should add some typing errors into this section in order to demonstrate just how hard it is to use a keyboard when you're shaking with furious anger. Under no circumstances must you indicate what it is that you're really angry about. Don't forget to include the words zealot and evangelical somewhere along the way.
Paragraph three should be reserved for inconsequential anecdotes.
Use paragraph four to show people that you're not afraid to be tenuous when an argument demands it. Don't forget to finish by adding a HbA1C well below 6% and be sure to mention the fact that the quinoa on toast that you had for breakfast was mind-blowingly good. Paragraph four should contain the phrase "I am happy" at least five times."