Monty Beantipper, lest we forget. She's Yours for a Pony, Guv'nor

One of my earliest memories of Monty is seeing him on TV during his participation in the 1984 winter Olympics. It was the first time I'd ever laid eyes on a toboggan, and, judging by his performance, toboggans were new to Monty too. After a seemingly inevitable crash on the first bend, a gravely injured Monty was administered the kiss of life by a quick-thinking mountain rescue pony called Trixie, who, as we all now know, was a caring pony of the Shetland kind.

Monty's misinterpretation of Trixie's life-saving actions led to a tempestuous affair/ponynapping which lasted for the best part of a decade, only coming to an end when a joist in Monty's loft gave way. To this day, Monty's wife has never gotten over the shock of seeing her naked husband clinging to a startled pony, as it came crashing through the ceiling and proceeded to all but destroy her favorite coffee table.

With his marriage on the rocks and Trixie now very much at large, Monty threw himself into "pro-active" low-carbing, developing a keen interest in the written works of a certain Roger "keto-warrior" Jenkins. Inspired by my militant advocation of carbohydrate restriction, Monty launched an audacious petrol bomb attack on the Bromsgrove franchise of Pizza Hut, which led to a lengthy spell without eyebrows for the manager and a lengthy spell in prison for Monty.

Novro Claphanger The Sun

Ketogenesis, Chapter 16, Verse 9:

"Rejoice, for the tent of low-carb is with mankind, and normoglycemia resides with them. Anyone conquering carbohydrate will inherit these things. Outside are the carb-ridden dogs and those who are disgusting in their starchy filth, and all those who are liking and carrying on a carb-fuelled lie." Lord Monty Beantipper